Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Today is a gentle day...

Hi Everyone,

This is a bit of a serious entry, feel free to stop reading at any time.

I'm taking the day off work today to honour the baby that I lost at 10 weeks, 9 years after finally managing to get pregnant and without hope of ever getting pregnant again. My son (I always felt that it was a boy) would be turning two today. I imagine what it would be like, would we have a plastic pool that he would be splashing around in in this heat wave? Would family have travelled to celebrate my miracle of life? Would I be taking photographs of him mangling the cake that I would have made for him (carrying on my mother's tradition)? Would we be surrounded by laughter and child giggles (the best kind!)?

I no longer often dwell on these thoughts, they come in passing, unbidden, sometimes unwelcome, but more often causing a wistful smile on my face. My path in life is different than many others but I've come to learn and accept (perhaps the hardest part) that any path in life is walked with occasional backwards glances and wondering what might have been.

Once again I'm choosing to spend the day with a few select friends who will gather around me (both physically and from afar in thoughts), offer quiet strength and love, and we will spend the day making Bottles of Hope. The memory and love of my son will be infused in the bottles and perhaps offer a moment of brightness or peace to the recipients of these bottles. You can see last year's results here.

I think today will be monsters. I haven't made them in a while and they're fun and make me smile.

I am touched by how many people offered me the perfect words during the hardest of my mourning and it is important to me that I give back to the ether some of the strength that was passed on to me when I needed it most.

Thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

I will post photos later on today of the results of the day. In the mean time, if there are clayers among you who have a few minutes today and would like to make a Bottle of Hope (or other tributes) for someone, I would be honoured and would be happy to post photos or links to your tributes.



Fiona said...

Oh Sandy. My heart goes out to you. It's such a sad time. We still remember 'very smalls' who never made it beyond about 10 weeks gestation either. I'm lucky I have three children now - but I still remember 'very smalls'so I can share a bit of your sorrow.

Allison said...

I had a psychic say this to me about 2 months after my first loss:

In spirit I'm seeing a boy....From his clothing I would say you did not know this boy as his clothing is quite old fashioned. He feels like he loves you so much and he didn't get to come down with you this lifetime. He just sends his love. It's peculiar sometimes who comes through and why.

I've always cherished this comment. My baby wasn't just an idea, just an embryo, he was a soul, intended for me. He just wasn't able to come and be with me this time around but I know him, and will see him some day. Maybe in this lifetime, maybe not, but he exists and he loves I love him.

I honour your lost baby, Sandy. I wish you could have had much more time with him this time around.