I am blessed...

Hi All,

I've been feeling like I am blessed the last week or so. And I have to say it's nice to be back to this feeling.

This is a very personal entry so feel free to stop reading here and move onto other things. I promise to resume my normal programming after this and get back into claying things.

On November 26, 2007, my life changed. Nine years after first starting to try, and five years after having given up, we finally got pregnant. I was 43, my husband was almost 50. It was a shock and the emotions were all over the place. Three weeks later, just about the time that I was feeling complete and utter elation about finally managing this task that so many others make look easy, we were told that there was no heartbeat. A week after that, on December 26, I spent 14 hours in the emergency room waiting for an anaesthetist to free up so that I could have a D&C because my body wasn't willing to give up the precious gift we had finally been given.

And that single month dominated my life in 2008. I have been humbled by how difficult the journey through grief has been. I am eternally grateful to have a wonderful family doctor. Her words to me when this all first started happening were "this is going to be so much harder and take so much longer than you think it will". I am ashamed at how little I understood the devastation of the loss of an unborn child before having gone through the experience. While I knew that I never wanted to have a miscarriage, prior to it happening to me I thought it was something you got over in a few weeks. How wrong I was and much of the year feels like I spent it in a fog-like state where I was only half of who I normally am.

I mourned.

I grieved.

I cried. Tears and torrents. I cried.

I mourned.

Prior to the month that changed my life I was an "I am happy and I am blessed" person. Last year I lost ALL of that. I worried that I would never get back to that person. There were times when I did not care if my life continued. A normal grief process apparently, but I didn't know that. We are not taught how to grieve, nor how to respond to grief in others. Some unknowingly and unintentionally said the wrong thing, or sometimes worse, didn't say anything at all, adding to my pain.

But throughout the year others gave me moments of brightness. I held each one in my palms and the tiny moment of brightness kept me from the deepest of the darks when I needed that protection most.

My husband. My family doctor. My family. My friends. New friends. Strangers. The blogosphere. My grief counsellor. My moments of brightness.

I wasn't always in an emotional state where I could appreciate them at the time, and many times I stamped my feet and wiped my tears in frustration that I couldn't seem to break through the invisible barrier that separated me from where I wanted to be.

I've finally reached that point where the barrier is broken and I've squeezed through to the other side. I've still got some scratches. And there may be a few more to come.

But lately, I've been feeling blessed once again.

My husband. My family doctor. My family. My friends. New friends. Strangers. The blogosphere. My grief counsellor. Thank you all. Words aren't enough to convey the depths of my gratitude. It is for you I write this entry.

And welcome back blessedness. I've missed you.